Amazon.com Reviews

I wrote the following post after my book had been out for a few months, but nobody had noticed. Since then, a few reviews have gone up, most of them tending to be favorable, but one reviewer called me "shallow" and said that I needed to "mature as a person and as a writer." How'd she know?

Amazon.com Reviews: I don't have any, and, at this point, it's a little embarrassing. There are some books on Amazon that one wouldn't think would have sold a single copy, (anywhere, ever) but they have, and somebody has taken the time to write a review. So, you lazy bastards, I thought that I'd help you out by giving you some sample Amazon.com reviews that you can borrow and make your very own.

This book is  so beautiful, that if it were sitting at a bar, I'd go up to it, "make my move," probably get shot down, and then go home and weep gently into my pillow.

This book is so hot, that I had to handle it with tongs. I mean, not that you have to handle it with tongs. What I'm trying to get across is that there's some heat involved, and direct contact won't be good for you. Not that I know what's good for you. You're right, that would be presumptuous, and I don't know you. No, dude, I'm not trying to tell you how to live. Okay, forget it, just forget it. I'm sorry I bought the whole thing up.

If this book were the sun, then I would be its moon. (Editor's Note: I have no idea what that means.)

If this book were any lovelier, I'd want to rub up against it in an inappropriate manner. I'm sorry. That was, perhaps, a bit much.

The above is a joke, man; do not post these on Amazon.com. The jokes (or “bits,” if you're in the biz) just keep on coming.